How long is Always?
by AJOregon
Summary: Missing Shay...mostly Severide dealing with the loss of his best friend but the rest of the gang is all in here too.
1. Chapter 1

When I heard Shay's voice coming from downstairs tears sprang from my eyes...she was gone but I could hear her...then I heard his voice...a home movie...I stuck my head down and saw him as he crumbled repeating "always...always...you promised..." Kelly and I were too much alike for our own good. I wanted to run to him and hold him through this just like I know he wanted to for me after Hallie was killed but I knew the second I got into his space he would shut off like I did.

I sank down on the stairs and watched him cry, sob and yell as he replayed the video over and over the whole time with tears falling from my eyes. He was right...the house was cursed. First Andy, then Jones and now Shay. Three...bad a things come in threes right? So the curse should be done...we can't handle anymore. He has lost more than anyone. Andy and him grew up together; I just met them at the academy. Shay and Kelly...I don't know what kind of intertwined kinky brother sister husband wife thing they had going on but I know with everything that had happened in his life Shay had been his rock since the first day they met. Shay was who I pulled my phone out to call to ask what the hell to do to help only to realize she would never answer again.

"Think you could be any louder Case?" He choked out between sobs and I knew I had been caught.

Half crawling, half walking I went down the stairs and sat down on the floor next to him. "I don't know what to do...you and Gabi...you lost your best friend and I...I don't know what to do to help you guys."

"I love you Matt...you know that? I never tell anyone about...the heart stuff...well Shay I did...but...and now...losing Shay...I need to...we all need to. After Andy...I was so pissed, I couldn't even look at you, but it was because it was my fault...I tried to blame you but...I should have trained him better...then he would still be here...and Jones...maybe if I wasn't so hard on her she would still be here...and Shay...God...Shay...if I wouldn't have called them in then she would still be here...everything I touch...everyone I care about it all goes to hell. I never understood why my dad was always running before but now I get it...I don't know how I can stay at 51...in Chicago at all...I know I need to...I can't be like Benny...but fuck...I don't know how to get back up from this."

"You can't take all the fault in that...I was right there for everything. It is just as much me as you...but none of this is really our fault...our job...what we do...sometimes it just really sucks...and I love you too now just don't go singing campfire songs and trying to kiss me or anything I am already confused enough as it is." I said smiling for the first time all day.

"You tried to call her didn't you? That is why you were ballin up there." I nodded my head. "I have tried calling her more times than I could count...at first it was to talk to her...then to hear her voice...then coming back here...this fucking video. God we were so drunk...I was so mad at her...but you can't really get mad at her, you know? She is always so damn goofy."

"When did you record this?"

"About a month after we lived together...we were both dating the same chick..."

"Fuck."

"I didn't know that she had ever burned it!"

"What would she tell you to help you...to help us all move on?"

"That she loved me...she told me right before we went in...it was the last thing she said to me...she hated when people were upset...but God was she a drama queen...she took everything to heart...I spent more nights laying in bed with her crying over whatever stupid girl she was dating than I have spent with any other girl since I met her."

"Gabi blames herself...she keeps saying she is going to meet Antonio or another friend or saying she has to do something for Molly's but then she just goes to see the Chaplain...for six weeks Kelly...you left right after the funeral and she just checked out too. I am trying to hold everything together but I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Thanks Casey."

"For what?"

"For turning my mess into yours...for picking up the slack for me...for cleaning up my mess...hell...for you being here crying with me so I don't feel like a complete goat."

"Will things ever go back to normal?"

"Will you help me get the rest of her stuff packed up so we can just get the hell out of here?"

"Of course." I said standing up and taking the remote from his hand and turning off the television, turning off her voice.

"Always...she said always..." He said slowly standing up with tears pooling in his eyes.

"She meant always Kelly..."

"She is gone Matt..."

"I know."

"It can't be always if she is dead."

"I know...Why don't we finish this tomorrow Kelly...get out of here for a while...maybe go to Molly's and then just get a good night sleep and come back tomorrow."

He nodded his head slowly and looked at the photograph of the two of them sitting next to the dvd player, his arm wrapped around her...he loved her with everything he had...and now he was totally lost. The one person who had unconditional faith in him...the one person who was always there for him was taken from him. I hoped I could help him find a new way...I hoped we could all find a new way.


	2. Chapter 2

I was out on a call when the radio call went out...I knew it was either Gabi or Shay. I knew either way one of my friends would be devastated. I saw Antonio freeze when he heard the call and I said a silent prayer along with him. Five minutes later I watched as he answered his phone, listened to his thirty second conversation and as I saw him visibly relax I knew it was her.

Kelly. I had to find Kelly. We stopped at the building first but he was already gone. We checked the firehouse next and then the hospital. He was not at any of those places, deep down I knew he wouldn't be though. She had been pronounced dead at the scene. He would be at one of their spots...one of her spots, somewhere he could be with her.

Antonio stayed at the hospital with his sister and I took the car to find him. I remembers him telling me about her obsession with the bridge, it was where Gabi had found her when she was upset...

As I walked out onto the bridge I started to relax, a small part of me thought he would try to jump but he was just standing there, his elbows bent leaning on the railing. Still in his gear all covered in smoke and dust and staring out at the river. "Come home with me Kelly." I whispered to him without touching him.

"I called her Uncle...he was the only one in her family she ever really talked about...he is the one who paid for us to try...to try to have a baby."

"What happened?"

"Her head...I knew...I tried...but I knew. Biden told me to go home...we are all off until after her funeral. I can't go back though...not without her...without Andy...I just cant."

"Okay." I whispered...I knew he would never be able to give up firefighting. Take a break yes but quit...he was too stubborn for that. "Do you want to go to my house or Molly's?"

He finally looked up at me and my heart broke with the empty lost look I saw in his eyes. "Molly's. I need to make sure they are all okay. Mills broke his leg and Casey was going to try to get Gabi to go home but everyone else was headed there."

I unzipped his coat and wrapped my arms around him and looked up at his eyes, he bent his head down and kissed my forehead, "Stay close?" He whispered. I nodded and together we walked back across the bridge.

"Hey..." I said stopping him at my car, "I am here to take care of you when you are done taking care of everyone else."

"I can't go there yet...please..."

"No pity...I know. If I try to hug you...I get it." I could see his eyes were filling with tears, "So...I got to kick the crap out of some dirt bag on the call earlier...that was fun."

He reached over and took my hand, "I love you." He said with a gravely, exhausted, devistated voice.

"We are here." I said shutting off the car and leaning over and kissing the corner of his mouth. The closed sign was on and the door was shut but with all the cars parked around everyone was here. "I will be close Kelly, you tell me what you need."

"I need Shay." He whispered taking my hand in his and walking through the door.

The bar was completely silent when we walked in, people were sitting everywhere but no one was talking, it didn't even look like anyone was drinking. He gripped my hand so tight it hurt and I put my arm around his waist. He looked down at me and I nodded. "She would be so pissed right now if she would be able to walk in here and see everyone quiet." Kelly told everyone, trying to sound cheerful despite losing his best friend.

"I can't talk about it...it can't be true." Herman said as he handed him a drink.

"Shay is dead guys...gone. Not a fucking thing we can do to change it. Tell stories, laugh, cry...just dont sit quiet, she is too much of a drama queen to have wanted anything but loud." I could feel his whole body shaking under my arm but he held his voice steady. I took his drink from him before he had the chance to spill it and set it on the bar and half pushed him to a stool.

"Can you remember when..." "I wish I would have told her..." "Can you believe she..." It was like the damn broke, the bar was loud, people were doing exactly what he had told them to do.

Otis came over and sat down next to him, "let me know if you need anything Severide."

"She already planned her funeral... It is going to be Saturday."

"How do you plan your own funeral?" Cruz asked walking over.

"After Andy died...all of that mess...we planned our funerals so that no one else would ever have to...didn't think we would be using those plans for another few decades..."

I looked around at all the faces, firefighters, police, medics...the place was packed. Kelly was answering questions about the funeral but his answers were robotic, his voice was different than I had ever heard it.

Casey and Gabi walked in a few minutes later, followed by Antonio and our team. Gabi walked right up to Kelly and threw herself into his arms. with her in a fit of sobs he stood up and carried her over to a booth in the corner. She was apologizing over and over again as Kelly held her and rocked her back and forth. He did not take his eyes off of me or Casey for about ten minutes.

"How is he?" Casey asked me breaking me from my trance and separating our eye contact.

"Stubborn." I answered.

"Don't let him run."

"I think he will need a break."

"Promise me Erin...do not let him run."

"Why are you so scared?"

"You didn't know how he was with Andy...this is going to be a million times worse. I can't be there for him...and for Gabi...I know he wont let me."

"Dont push him Casey or he will run. He already said he can't go back...give him time. I won't let him scare me away but I am not going to hold him hostage."

"That's fair. I cant lose him too...I am barely keeping myself together...Andy, Hallie, Jones...Shay...fuck." He rambled his face turning pale.

"Sit. Drink. Breathe." I told him, sliding him a beer that Herman had poured.

Antonio walked over to us and put his arm around me, "you've got your work cut out for ya kid...that's what you get for involving yourself with firefighters."

"Eh if I can deal with your mood swings I should be fine."

"You take care of my baby sister." He told Casey. "She told me you asked her...I assume her answer is yes."

"We got the call before she had a chance to answer."

"You know it is a yes." Antonio told him as we all looked over at her in Kelly's arms. She looked like she had fallen asleep but he was still whispering something to her, it almost looked like he was singing in her ear.

I watched as he rocked her and smoothed her hair, wiped her tears. Once she relaxed in his arms I saw his internal battle to hold it together. When I saw him start to shake and bury his face buried in her hair I knew he was crying...that now that he started he would not be able to stop. The guys saw it too and Otis and Cruz got up and started clearing guys out. "Casey you take her home. Don't let her out of your sight...and you," he said turning to me, "take Kelly home...you are off until I tell you otherwise."

"Chris can you get this place closed up and get everyone home safe?" Antonio asked. Most everyone had left by then anyway, Otis, Cruz, Capp and Mouch were the only ones left and they were all frozen staring at Kelly...their leader...

"Yes...but shouldn't we be here for Kelly...never mind...I already know my own answer." He said with tears in his eyes.

He went over and kicked them out and busied himself in the back, while Antonio and Casey had a quiet conversation I went into the kitchen and found him crying over the dirty dishes, "Go home Chris...let your family be there for you...Shay was all about love and helping each other..don't shut your wife out." He wiped his eyes, then wrapped me in a tight hug.

"Take care of him...Shay was his family."

"I will." I promised...they were a band of brothers and they had lost their sister.

"The door will lock after you go out." He said as he shrugged on his jacket.

"Get home safe Herman. We've got you covered here.". I told him as he snuck out the back door.

As I walked back out Casey caught my eye. I could tell he was nervous, Gabi was asleep but still had a death grip on Kelly and he was rocking her back and forth silently crying. "We need to get them home. This is going to be a long hard week." Antonio said, "I am heading home. Call me if you need anything."

Casey and I turned to him and nodded. "Now or never...this breaks my heart..." I told Casey as we walked over to the booth.

He reached down and lifted Gabi from Kelly's arms, "Shay...noooo..." She moaned in her sleep and Kelly lost it with hiccuping sobs.

Casey carried her out as I climbed into the booth and into Kelly's lap. I held his head into my shoulder And ran my hand up and down his back. "Breathe with me..." He grabbed onto my shirt, to my back so hard it hurt. "Match your breathing to mine...I am not going anywhere...it is just us here right now...our own world.". I exaggerated my breathing and his sobs subsided and his breathing matched mine.

"Gabi blames herself...but it wasn't her fault..."

"It wasn't your fault either." I told him having already known what he was thinking.

"I can't live without her."

"Let me help you try Kelly."

"Please don't give up on me..." He shakily said into my shoulder.

"We need to get you home and showered and you need to sleep."

"I cant go home."

"My place then...you will stay with me."


	3. Chapter 3

The day of the funeral I woke up in a fog, I had been staying at Erin's the whole week and had barely gotten out of bed. I hadn't showered, I hadn't shaved, I had barely eaten. I felt stuck. My brain was going a million miles a second and I could hardly form a coherent thought. She had been amazing, laying with me, holding my hand...holding me...when I needed it but giving me my space that I needed. She never once asked me if I was okay or what she could do to make me better. She just did. She made me eat but other than that she was just there.

When I stepped into the hot water of the shower she ran for me I dropped to my knees and allowed my tears to fall and get washed down the drain. When she stuck her head in to check on me she saw me...she stripped off her clothes and climbed in with me, "Oh Kelly..." She lifted me up and put soap on a cloth and wiped me down all over, massaging my back and chest, she grabbed a razor and she shaved my face, I watched her as she did this and wondered how she had learned to do this. When she was done she shut the water off and dried me off and helped me to get dressed. I was watching her as she groomed me like I were a young child, I saw no judgement in her eyes, only sadness and love.

She drove me to the church and held my hand through the service. I do not think I cried a tear while we were there but to be honest I could have been and just didn't realize. My whole body hurt, my heart hurt to beat, my chest ached with each breath. My other half was gone, I would never hear her laugh, never see that twinkle in her eye, never spend another night holding her in my arms. I had failed her...I failed and now she was gone.

There were over five hundred people there to say goodbye to her, none of them, except maybe Gabi, knew her like I knew her but the way she made people feel about themselves...everyone loved her. I loved her. I wanted to have a family with her.

No one could ever compare to her, she was gorgeous, brilliant, perfect and a mess all at the same time. I knew I was using Erin...that until I could get over Shay...an impossible act...I would never be able to open myself to be in a real relationship with her. She knew it too and yet she stayed, she held me through it, helped me to walk when I couldn't stand.

After the funeral she took me back to my apartment and helped me pack a bag then she drove me out to the cabin. She understood what no one else did. I couldn't go back...I would just get someone else killed if I did. I had to get my head straight and I did not know if that would take a day, week or month...if ever.

"Kelly you call me...or at least text me so I know you haven't killed yourself. If I do not hear from you in a I will be coming back to get you." She told me as she wrapped her arms around me one last time.

I needed to find a way to do this on my own. "You already set an alarm on my phone to remind me to call, and to eat..." I said hugging her back. "Thank you...for everything."

"I will always be here Kelly." She whispered in my ear.

Something in me switched. "Don't fucking say always...you might as well say never. Fuck...always my ass. There is no such thing as always." I screamed pushing her away from me.

The look on her face was one of complete shock. She didn't try to come after me, she let me storm off into the woods, she let me cool down. She was sitting on the step of the cabin when I made my way back, watching me, trying to judge my mood.

"Some day you will tell me what the hell that was all about." She said standing up and walking towards me. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. "I meant what I said. I will be back in a week to drop off more food."

I was stunned, she had done it again. I wanted so badly to go after her, to wrap her in my arms and feel her heart beating against mine but I couldn't. We were not in a place for our happily ever after. Someday maybe, but for that moment I just sank down into the step of the cabin and put my head in my hands and let the tears fall.

Every morning I would switch on my phone and find a ton of texts, missed calls and voicemails. Every morning I would only look at Erin's, every morning I would text back "." I didn't have any words, at least none that would make either of us feel better. Her texts were numbers, telling me how many days I had been hiding out. I ran around the lake three times each day, I fished, only to throw them back, I did not have a single drink, I did not take a single pill.

I was not ready to go back to the real world but I knew I was past the end of all of my saved up vacation time. It was time I needed to decide to go back or leave forever...I already knew my answer and it scared me to death. Erin had stopped by twice, I know she saw me sitting out on the edge of the lake and yet she did not come down to talk to me. She left my favorite foods and clean clothes. She was an amazing woman, I had looked into her past as much as I could...Voight made it extraordinarily difficult to find out much detail but what I had found out made me like her even more. She was strong, stubborn, fiercely independent and loyal. I knew I was pushing my luck and wasting my chance at ever having a life with her. As much as I wanted to play house with her I knew I couldn't hurt her like that. She needed someone who could love her fully...and I could not love.

Not yet...not after losing Shay. When Casey showed up I knew that Erin had given up and told him where to find me...though I think he probably already knew. Two days after his visit I bought another motorcycle and drove back. I went by my apartment but could not make myself go in...so I went to the firehouse. I froze there too. Casey though...he saw me as he was getting into his truck and walked over to me.

He was walking for me when I couldn't. He led me back into the house...hand firmly on my shoulder pushing me along each time I stopped. It hurt to breathe...every memory of Shay...everything I looked at reminded me of her. I had to shut it out. Push it away. Close myself off. I had to get my head in the game so I didn't get anyone else killed. I built my wall back up with self pity and alcohol. But at work...at work I was only at work. I could only think about work...at saving as many people as I could to make up for not being able to save my best friend. I pushed everyone away telling them I was fine...I knew none of them believed me, but was thankful that they didn't push me. One push and I would break...and I couldn't break. I needed to save Shay.


	4. Chapter 4

When I left for Vegas I was lost, done, I couldn't handle life anymore. I tried to fake it but everyone saw right through me and all I saw from them was pity. I was suppose to be their leader and instead they were fighting a useless battle to save me...one I knew none of them really wanted to fight.

I only brought one change of clothes to Vegas...the only plan I had was to blow through my money and then disappear. Go out into the desert and just not go back. When I met Brittany I was on my last chip...it was the end. I would be out of there and gone and no one would no the difference. It was Vegas afterall.

When I kissed her at the table though something changed, I felt Shay pat me on the back...well, more like a kick in the butt...I felt the same desperation in Brit as I had in myself. Lost and looking for one thing to hold onto.

When she came back with me, as my wife no one took us seriously. Brit had seen me at my worst, and I saw her at hers that Saturday night when I found her crumpled on the bathroom floor. The two of us had broken together and used each other for a crutch.

Sure the sex was great but for me that was not what our relationship was. She had saved me, pulled me back. There was no reason for either of us to be alone and for that reason I took her home with me. Our entire relationship was like the Lady Gaga song Edge of Glory...it was like it was written for us.

When I took Brittany to the academy to show her Shay's badge...it was one of the hardest things I had done...that was until I remembered it was not only Shay's badge that was in the case...next to it was Andy's. How could I tell her about Andy? She was already freaked by how dangerous my job was...if I told her my best friend since kindergarten had died in a fire too... I turned to walk back out...only to turn back around when she told me she had been the one driving the car she Kathleen had died.

My focus went from me to her. She needed her family. I needed mine. As much as she had helped me it was selfish to keep her away from what she really needed, what I really needed. As hard as I knew it would be to stop running and force myself to turn to my firehouse family I knew that was what I needed to do.

Even more so she needed to seek the comfort of her family. Her parents had lost their daughter, me taking Brit they had lost both of their daughters. I knew it, she knew it...letting her get on that train though...I couldn't save Shay but I was able to save Brittany...but even more importantly she had saved me from myself.


End file.
